


And Breathe

by thealwaysandforever



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Tumblr Post, Castiel Leaves, Castiel Loves Dean, Crying, Dean Loves Castiel, Dean Misses Castiel, Dean is Bad at Feelings, Drunk Dean, Drunken Confessions, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Major Original Character(s), My First Destiel Fanfic, My First Work in This Fandom, POV Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Worried Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-18 09:42:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2343887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealwaysandforever/pseuds/thealwaysandforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel doesn’t expect to be barreled into by a heavy body, arms wrapping around him or the desperate puffs of air that leave Dean’s mouth onto his neck.   </p><p>“All you had to do was ask me to stay. I would have never left if you had asked me to stay.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	And Breathe

* * *

 

 

Usually when sitting in a bar late at night in a town bumfuck nowhere, his thoughts would easily vanish in their entirety. The silent chatter of patrons and clinking of glass on the scratched wooden countertop, would help bury everything that resembled _feelings_ deep down in the parts of him that all things that ever mattered got lost. He’d peel the sticky logo off of the bottle and roll it between his fingers thinking of nothing. Just drinking and letting the tartness of the beer rush down his throat in fluent waves until his stomach couldn’t take anymore or he’d decided enough was enough.

Not tonight though. Dean was past enough being enough. Not when all has gone to shit and the only person he’s let in besides Sam, is leaving them behind. Leaving him behind.

“Dean? Are you listening?” Cas places his hand on Dean’s shoulder and it burns him. The small touch sends a reverberating ache that twists and pulls him sharp enough something shatters.

Dean can practically feel that scrunched up face staring at him heatedly,“Yeah Cas, I’m all ears.”

“Mind repeating what I just said then,” he chuckles and Cas follows suit, the sound warming him from the inside and Dean knows that’s what he’ll miss the most. The small smiles and deep-throated laughs late at night when Sam would go to bed early and they settled for watching a comedy. Or trying to teach Cas the wonders of humanity like pie and microwaves and cars and..well it’s not going to matter anymore anyway.

“I could still hear you. When you pray, I mean.” There is a hint of guilt that pours from those words. Dean appreciates the sentiment. He appreciates that Cas is trying to keep himself here in some way, but it’s not the same and when he doesn’t answer, he knows Cas understands.

“Don’t worry Cas,” he pats him hard on the back and manages a smile,”I’ve got Sammy.” That puts a frown on the Angels face, which hurts him to see, but this is how he has got to deal with it. The only way he has learned how. Smile and pretend the brushes of slender fingers and the warmth of strong arms around him were just happenings between friends. Just _friends_.

It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth that the last swig of beer left in the brown bottle drags to the pit of his stomach.

It grows quiet and the longer they ignore the inevitable, the larger the ache balloons in Dean’s belly.

“So this is it?” Dean asks looking Cas in the eyes.

Castiel just blinks and it takes Dean’s breath away. The pools of blue always did that to him. Both men stand up and face each other with an intangible need breathing back and forth between them. The need to stay here. Just like this.

But Dean knows he can’t ask him to stay. This is the only way to bring the Angels back to heaven and asking Cas to stay with him would be selfish, yet a tired almost drowned out voice in his head pleads him to be selfish just this once. ‘ _No. I can’t_ ’, he tells it. ‘ _I won’t_.’

Instead, he lets Cas wrap his arms around his torso in a hug that resembles the ones they’ve had before, but it’s different. He can feel the goodbye cocoon itself around them in a soft blanket that pinches and burns the sleeves of his arms and back.

The sudden fear of losing his best friend and..and- _no_ , _not that_ , Castiel never really was his..his anything but a _friend_ \- is clawing up into his throat and choking him.

Dean roughly wipes the tears from his face so Cas doesn’t see. He reluctantly breaks the hug and steps back, enough Cas won’t be able to notice the redness of his eyes and on the tip of his nose.

This was all wrong. Dean was going to say,”Goodbye Cas,” give him a nod and be on his way. Drive back to the bunker and listen to whatever job Sam had for them in some town no one ever heard of.

“Dean?” Castiel steps forward, but Dean intercepts before he can get closer.

“Go Cas. Y-you have to go,” Dean spits and turns around, placing a hand on his mouth.

He doesn’t let himself cry until the light jingle of the bell on the bar door echoes behind him.  

* * *

 

 

 

It’s hours before he reaches the bunker. When the heaviness of the door collides with a loud boom, Sam jumps from the chair he had fallen asleep on, a leather book sliding from his lap hitting the tiles with a thud.

Dean laughs and staggers onto the railing in front of him,”How ya doin’ S-sammy?”

“You were supposed to be home hours ago.” Sam reaches Dean on the last step, right when Dean’s foot slips and he falls onto Sam’s chest.

“ _You_ wersposed ta be home hours ‘go,” Dean retorts and huffs at his little joke. Sam shakes his head and scrunches his nose up at the smell of alcohol that pours out of Dean’s mouth. He drags his older brother along to his bedroom and just drops him like a sack on the bed.

He knew Dean would be upset about Cas having to leave, but he didn’t expect for Dean to be like this. Drinking themselves to a drunken stupor were reserved for when a close friend or loved one died. An unspoken agreement between them.

Dean is practically a rag doll while Sam takes his coat, jeans and shoes off. Left clad in his dark blue shirt, boxers and socks, he snuggles up into his pillow and sighs. Sam shuts the light off and walks out until he hears Dean call for him.

“Whers ‘e Sammy?”

“What?” Sam shuffles closer,”What is it?”

“Tell ‘im t’c’mere Sam.”

Sam sighs,”Go to sleep Dean. We’ll talk in the morning,” he ruffles his brothers hair and right before the door clicks shut, he hears Dean clearer now and it hurts him. More than he expects to. Hearing the brokenness of his brothers voice pains him, knowing that there’s nothing he can do to take it away.

“Tell ‘im. Tell Cas t’stay. Tell ‘im I wan ‘im t’stay. Please Cas..please stay wi’me..”

Dean sleeps with Cas’ name on his tongue.

* * *

 

 

 

The pounding in his skull is _unbearable_. Did he drink the entire bar for crying out loud?

Without lifting his head, he slams his arm on the bedside table for any kind of liquid to alleviate his severe case of cotton mouth. When he doesn’t find any, he lets his arm fall loosely off of the bed and waits a couple of seconds before he brings himself upward as slowly as he can. The dull pounding is beating against the sides of his head like a ping pong ball and he mutters unimaginable profanities under his breath. Did he really drink the _entire bar_?

The hard cold floor beneath his feet, give him some relief as he makes his way to the bathroom down the hall and around the corner. He showers with all the works and it lessens at least an ounce of his major hangover. Why did he drink so much anyway? Oh. _Oh._

And now he wants to crawl back into bed and let the mattress swallow him whole.

“Fuck,” he shuffles into his room dreading the day ahead. Getting dressed seems like hard labor and he can’t imagine how the conversation with Sam is going to be.

The trek to the kitchen is slow and methodical. Dean watches how and where he moves his feet because every direction sends a shot of pain from his lower back straight to his head.

“Long night?” He winces at the loud timbre of Sam’s voice and grimaces at him.

He can only ‘ _hmm_ ’ in response as a cold glass of water is placed into his hand gently. He tilts his head to the side and regrets it immediately, but Sam is standing in front of him and god is he still drunk that he’s seeing Sam with three hands instead of two?

“Sam also said these pills would help.”

Dean lets the cup fall from his grip.

Sam nudges Cas away and uses a rag to bring the shattered glass in one area to scoop up,“I’ve got this. You two should go talk.”

Castiel nods and walks out of the kitchen.

“ _What the hell is he doing here Sam?!_ ” Dean whispers roughly. Sam shoves him toward the doorway,“Just go Dean.”

Dean tries to compose himself. He figures he’ll go to his room and try and think of what to say or do, but when he goes to his room Cas is there. Sitting on his bed and inspecting the sheets below him as if it were woven with magical pixie strands.

“These feel much better than the motel sheets-

“What are you doing here Cas?” He doesn’t mean to sound angry, but he was starting to bury him. Smash the thought and feel of Cas in some pit in the part of his mind where all good things were.

“They don’t need me. I thou-”

“Like hell Cas! Of course they need you, why are you here huh?” That voice from last night scolds him, tells him to sound softer, to appreciate that Cas didn’t go, yet he does the complete opposite.

“Why won’t you leave Sam and I alone? We turn everything over to try and find a solution to help and when we do, you hug me and tell me you have to leave. Leave me and that you can’t come back, but I would be able to pray to you that-” Dean’s voice falters and cracks as he rambles every part of him he never had wanted Castiel to know and Castiel just watches him.

Under warm cerulean eyes, Castiel just watches him.

“you could hear me, but we would- I would never see you again. I thought last night was it- I thought you’d be gone- I figured I’d be okay if I had Sam. I’d just drink if- if I thought about you and- _jesus Cas_ , I thought I’d never hear your voice again..” Castiel doesn’t expect to be barreled into by a heavy body, arms wrapping around him or the desperate puffs of air that leave Dean’s mouth onto his neck.   

“All you had to do was ask me to stay. I would have never left if you had asked me to stay.”

And Dean breathes. And breathes. Cas’ scent fills him up until he is drunk on something else entirely and _goddammit_  he can finally breathe.

“I love you Castiel.” It swishes past his tongue and from his lips in a rushed and tired whisper. If anybody would have told him the immense weight that would just slide right off of his chest as soon as he let himself say those words to Cas- to _himself_ , he would have done so a long time ago.

“I’ve always loved you Dean. Always.” The depth of the words shake him and melt him all the same. They hold each other tighter and yes.

 **  
**Dean and Cas finally _breathe_.


End file.
